The Editors

Bouquet To Arte Moreno, for finally relinquishing his death-grip on the Los Angeles Angels, whose classic 1970s-style halo did little to disguise decades of soul-crushing mediocrity. It’s a fact of sports team ownership that the character of the owner tends to shape the organization, which in turn … Continue Reading

Data Centers — They don’t actually use that much water. Dolly Parton — Our Mt. Rushmore.Flock — Creepy metal birds with sharp claws perched on metal poles will track your every movement through beady electric eyes. Gavin Newsom — American Psycho isn’t that popular among Democrats.Hasan … Continue Reading

We are heading into a future that no one can see, mediated by powerful new technologies that will exert unprecedented power over our lives — whether for good or for ill, and probably both. Change is coming. Yet we Americans, conservatives and liberals alike, tend to have very shallow … Continue Reading

48 — Percentage of Hunter Biden’s sexuality that he defines as “gay”99 — Equity in Jared Kushner’s $6.2 billion Affinity Partners fund that comes from government-backed sources in the Middle East, by percentage1.20 — Initial trading price of one Trump coin (TRUMP) during January 2025, in dollars75 … Continue Reading

Alabama — The Big Hog – A log of Hog Guts swirled in caramel and coated with chocolate makes the ladies swoon. Alaska — Moose Droppings – Caramelized salmon bits with moose.Arizona — The Old Timer – Treats urinary incontinence.Arkansas — The Moonshiner – Yummy chocolate filled with liquor, … Continue Reading

Newly filed government documents include photos showing members of Memphis rapper Pooh Shiesty’s crew holding rival Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane at gunpoint. Federal prosecutors have accused Shiesty and his crew of kidnapping and robbing Gucci Mane in order to force his release from his recording … Continue Reading

Rent Control — Free for me, but not for thee.Spencer Pratt — Old punchline. New punchline is that the 3rd-place socialist candidate wins the general election.Democratic Socialism — Not for long.Iran — I ran so far away.Peptides — Medication that works?Obesity — A lifestyle choice.Hating Jews — All … Continue Reading

The old summer place has been in the family for seven generations, which counting the grand-children makes eight. For most of the year it sits dormant, being more like what was once called a “camp,” with plank walls and little to no insulation outside of the kitchen, with its great stone fireplace … Continue Reading

Alabama — Southern Man – Hippie genius Neil Young is on a mission to assist the State of Alabama in becoming less racist. Instead of being welcomed with open arms, the helpful musician is scorned by Governor George Wallace and by the rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd, who write a scorching hot anthem … Continue Reading

15,400,000,000 — American spending on sports tickets in 2023 (in USD)16,400,000,000 — American spending on Ticketmaster fees in 2025 (in USD)109,000,000,000 — American spending last year on lottery tickets in 2025 (in USD)9.4 — Percentage decrease of visitors to Las Vegas since 20191300 — … Continue Reading

Looksmaxxing — Plastic surgery for men under thirtyStraits of Hormuz — Where America’s midterm elections are being decidedAI — White collar NAFTASpace X — Orbital AIChinese Defense Industry — TEMU Lockheed-MartinMichael Tracey — He’ll fight anybody Podcasters — Yesterday’s news Pope Leo — New Pope … Continue Reading

To Timothee Chalamet. We like Timothee Chalamet, even though the costs of approval can often seem exorbitant. We don’t understand why sane people are supposed to enjoy the experience of spending five hours and twenty-one minutes watching sand, or whether the giant sandworms that occasionally emerge … Continue Reading

80 — Grams of sugar in a Starbucks Java Chip Frappuccino17 — Grams of sugar in a Hershey’s milk chocolate bar21 — Percentage of American children who are chronically obese4.3 — Percentage of French children who are chronically obese8,000,000,000 — Jalisco New Generation Cartel’s net revenues from … Continue Reading

Bouquet To the USA Winter Olympic team, which won its most gold medals (12) in the past 76 years while coming in second to Norway. But we don’t actually care about losing to a country of 5.65 million people where all it ever does is snow. Instead, we are proud of great individual performances by … Continue Reading

Alabama — Burning effigy of Lionel Messi at “It Ain’t Football!” monster truck rallyAlaska — Giant soccer-ball-sized snowball fight with catapultsArizona — “Kick like a Mule” tournament featuring teams of mules playing soccerArkansas — Greased hog capture event on regulation soccer … Continue Reading

Nothing in this newspaper is written by AI. That’s a promise that we make to our readers, and that we view as central to our mission, which is to provide a home for the American voice in all its plain-spoken humanity, contradiction, ambition, and promise. While American writing comes in many styles … Continue Reading

Alabama — Black Bear PepiánAlaska — Whale MantuArizona — Ringtail TacosArkansas — Northern Mockingbird PupusaCalifornia — California Quail Adobo Colorado — Bighorn Sheep Criollo Connecticut — American Robin MoambéDelaware — Gray Fox CallalooFlorida — Manatee GriotGeorgia — Right Whale Curry Hawaii … Continue Reading

6 — Gallons of orange juice consumed per American in 20052.9 — Gallons of orange juice consumed per American in 2025600 — Number of liters of “blue water” (irrigation) required to produce 1 kg of beef12,000 — Number of liters of “blue water” required to produce 1 kg of almonds.004 — Average dollar … Continue Reading

NatCon — If it walks like a con, and talks like a con, then it’s probably a con. Mid — What we’re all secretly shooting for.Vibe Coding — AI brain-rot.Cringe — A marker of your own fatal insecurity, which will keep you from producing anything of note.Al Qaeda — Twenty-five years after 9/11, their … Continue Reading

The farm at the bottom of the road belonged to Millard. By the time I knew him, he lived with his daughters. His wife had died years ago, but he couldn’t bear to part with the house where they made a life and raised a family.Every day, when the weather was good, and often when it wasn’t, Millard … Continue Reading

250 — Estimated cost of the California wildfires over the past year (in billions)12 — Insurance payouts related to California wildfires over the past year (in billions)5 — People who watched Tucker Carlson’s cordial interview with Nick Fuentes (in millions)11.1 — Tons of Qatari urea being imported … Continue Reading

Alabama — “So how many of Nick Saban’s ‘5 enemies of greatness’ are here with us for dinner tonight?”Alaska — Curing the mukluk in Grandpa’s Hennessey.Arizona — Replacing Grandma’s trazodone with sugar pills.Arkansas — Calling “Woo, pig, sooie!” at your sister-in-law when she brings in snacks … Continue Reading

Over 27 million Americans watched Game 7 of this year’s World Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Toronto Blue Jays. Even casual viewers who only tuned in for the deciding moments were able to recognize they were in the presence of something extraordinary. It was already a Series for the … Continue Reading

2.5 – percentage of American births resulting from IVF 77 – number of feet that the East Fork of the San Jacinto River has risen above sea level due to heavy rains in April and early May.  11 – number of terms that Henry Cuellar (D-TX) is seeking Congress, while standing accused of laundering … Continue Reading

Campus protests — The most important part of your education is preventing other students from going to classFrats — A danger to students, may prevent them from going to classIvy League degrees — Strictly for suckersYouTube videos — Free collegeSky Dog — A cure for what ails ya Republican Party — … Continue Reading

Alabama — Fred Flintstone Alaska — Rocky the Flying Squirrel Arizona — Dora the ExplorerArkansas — Bugs BunnyCalifornia — Mr. NaturalColorado — Lucy Van PeltConnecticut — Richie RichDelaware — Scrooge Duck Florida — Snow WhiteGeorgia — Porky PigHawaii — MoanaIdaho — Woody Woodpecker Illinois — … Continue Reading

Radnor Township, PA: In a truly terrifying crime, the staff of the Giant convenience store on E. Lancaster Ave. in Radnor Township, PA, reported receiving counterfeit money from a blank male wearing a gray hoodie who passed three counterfeit fifty-dollar bills in the store. There is no word if the … Continue Reading

To the town fathers of Hoquiam, Washington are trying to ram through the construction of a British-owned wood pellet plant across the street from the city’s high school and middle school. The plant will produce 1,349,874 lbs. of toxic pollutants, poisoning students and area humans as well as pets, … Continue Reading

Bella Ciao — Anti-fascist anthem appropriated by wanna-be fascists Charlie — In France it was Charlie Hebdo, in America it was Charlie Kirk Free Speech — Not free if you get shotFurries — No litter-boxes in our classrooms Jews — Jesus was JewishNGO worker — A billionaire pays your rentResentment — … Continue Reading

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! The Memphis Police Department was investigating an incident where a man was reportedly being “stomped out” in the middle of the street on a Sunday afternoon. The incident occurred at the intersection of Latham Street and Lucerne Place, where officers responding to a call found … Continue Reading

Bouquet To Sam Shoemaker, who made — or grew — a kayak entirely from mushrooms and paddled it 26.4 miles from Catalina Island in California to San Pedro. Accompanying Shoemaker on his voyage, the longest open-water journey in a mushroom kayak ever recorded, was a 50-foot-long fin whale, which … Continue Reading

5 Percentage of Americans who believe that Adolf Hitler was a “completely good person” or a “good person who did some bad things”65 Percentage of Americans who think Hitler was “a completely bad person”74 Percentage of Americans who believe it was right for America to participate in WWII 88.8 … Continue Reading

With the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence fast approaching, Americans are badly in need of a sense of hope and renewed opportunity. Our solution is one deeply rooted in our history but aimed at the future: a new Homestead Act for the twenty-first century.The Homestead Act — … Continue Reading

Alabama — Big Dean Sausage Festival Not connected with the Dean Sausage Company, this is strictly about Big Dean.Alaska — The Big Thaw Frozen solid all winter, things thaw out during the warm summer months. Bring a blanket and observe one of nature’s wonders in downtown Sitka, which was actually … Continue Reading

Every Fourth of July, after consuming my fair share of apple pie and ice cream, I enjoy setting off fireworks with my children on the hill behind our house. There are golden sparklers and red-white-and-blue rockets mixed in with some more menacing-looking items that go boom — which did an excellent … Continue Reading

Brickbat To US Senators Mike Lee of Utah and Steve Daines of Montana for adding a mandate to President Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill” that would force the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management to sell off roughly 3 million acres of public land by 2030. An earlier version of the BBB … Continue Reading

Alabama — BamalamaAlaska — FreezeyerassoffArizona — Levi’s SandboxArkansas — Suweee-SuweeeCalifornia — Cocina del DiabloColorado — White Man’s MountainsConnecticut — MILF Party CentralDelaware — George Washington’s PissoirFlorida — New IsraelGeorgia — Scalp-uHawaii — The Hoochie-Coochie Islands … Continue Reading

County Highway is a proudly tariff-free, bullshit-free, political-propaganda-free, and AI-free publication. We hire real writers, artists, and editors and encourage them to do great work. Then we print that work on paper, because that’s the way that God intended for humans to read. A big part of … Continue Reading

Amount bet on the Kentucky Derby in 2024 — $210.7 million Amount Americans bet on sports in 2024 — $148 billionIncrease in sports betting since 2021 — +45% Tariffs imposed by the Tariff Act of 1789 — 5%Tariff of Abominations of 1828 — 50%Smoot Hawley Act of 1930 — 59.1%Average effective tariff rate … Continue Reading

To US Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for embarking on a “massive testing and research effort” to help understand the causes of the alarming rise in autism, a condition that was vanishingly rare fifty years ago but now affects about 3 percent of American children under the … Continue Reading

To David Johansen, the rock singer and actor who died in his house on Staten Island at the age of 75 in February. Johansen made rock history as the lead singer of the New York Dolls whose eponymous 1972 first album and the 1974 follow-up Too Much Too Soon helped invent punk rock before British … Continue Reading

50 billion — dollar amount of “government waste” identified so far by Elon Musk’s D.O.G.E.8 billion — pounds of waste produced per year by American D-O-G dogs200,000 — number of Caribbean pink flamingoes in the wild20 million — number of pink plastic flamingoes sold since 1957, when sculptor Don … Continue Reading

Donald Trump is as close to a one-man show as Washington has seen since Barack Obama’s second term in office. What that means for America’s future — and the rest of the planet — depends on whether Trump can carry through on his promises of a new American Revolution or whether the forces he has … Continue Reading

Alabama — “Roll, Tide” gift bags, luggage tags, and gold-plated tiny helmets distributed to state officeholdersAlaska — Federally-subsidized ice sculptures of whalesArizona — Cashing social security checks for thousands of 140-year old retireesArkansas — Department of Bootlegging Studies at the … Continue Reading

Donald Trump is as close to a one-man show as Washington has seen since Barack Obama’s second term in office. What that means for America’s future — and the rest of the planet — depends on whether Trump can carry through on his promises of a new American Revolution or whether the forces he has … Continue Reading

Alabama — PecansAlaska — MuktukArizona — Pre-1965 US silver dollars, made of real silverArkansas — HogCoinCalifornia — KushCoinColorado — SnowCoinConnecticut — BitCoinDelaware — HunterBidenCrackCoinFlorida — EarlyBirdCoinGeorgia — PeachCoinHawaii — Tuna, by weightIdaho — PotatoCoinIllinois — … Continue Reading

To the Kansas City Chiefs for continuing their latest march to Super Bowl with no wide receivers and Taylor Swift playing both offense and defense in-between gigs on her Eras Tour. The NFL has never seen anything like this before, and truth be told it’s not pretty to look at. No one wants to see … Continue Reading

Police in Bakersfield, California, are investigating an instant in which a customer shot himself Friday afternoon, December 20th, inside a busy Chipotle restaurant. A police spokesperson said they received a report of a shot going off in the Chipotle bathroom on Mount Vernon, just south Highway … Continue Reading

30 — Percent of US wheat directly treated before harvest with glyphosate, the active ingredient in the cancer-causing herbicide Roundup100 — Percent of US soybean acreage treated with glyphosate1500 — Percent increase in global use of glyphosate since the introduction of “Roundup ready” … Continue Reading

AI — Your toaster is smarter than you areDoge — Not pronounced “dog”Doge coin — Elon Musk wants you to buy it  Harris campaign — Where did the money go?Kayfabe — It’s fakeK-Hive — K-HolePedo — New word for “famous”  Pollsters — “It’s a toss-up” means never having to say you were wrongJoe Rogan — … Continue Reading

Alabama — George Wallace “I won” bumper stickerAlaska — Muktuk Arizona — LisinoprinArkansas — Whisk broom California — OG Kush prerollColorado — Invoice from new Venezuelan landlordConnecticut — MILF neighbor’s house keys Delaware — Hunter Biden’s coke spoonFlorida — Trump family silver-dollar set … Continue Reading

44.9 — Elon Musk’s compensation package as head of Tesla, in billions45,811 — Average salary of non-CEO Tesla employee, in dollars20 — Multiple of average worker compensation earned by US corporate CEO in 1950271 — Multiple of average worker compensation earned by US CEO in 20163,580 — Current … Continue Reading

The US Department of Justice has charged Lisa Findley of Kimberling City, Missouri with faking documents, forging signatures, and impersonating officers of a fictitious loan company in a scheme to auction off Graceland. Prosecutors said Findley claimed that Lisa Marie Presley had signed over the … Continue Reading

Brickbat For the Boeing Corporation, which has stranded US astronauts Sunita Williams and Butch Wilmore in space since June with no end in sight, thanks to the faulty engineering and construction of the company’s supposedly reusable Starlight spacecraft, which experienced software failures, five … Continue Reading

Alabama — Alabama Slammer  Alaska — Red Bull with glacial ice Arizona — Alka-SeltzerArkansas — Milk California — Gin and Juice Colorado — Coors Banquet Golden Lager Connecticut — Moscow Mule Delaware — CokeFlorida — Mojito  Georgia — Fani Willis Grey Goose Hawaii — Shaved ice syrup Idaho — Dimetapp … Continue Reading

The Florida legislature is taking action against the threat of “crack bears,” which are apparently menacing rural homeowners. Under the terms of HB 87, Floridians will be allowed to shoot and kill bears that trespass on their property, as long as they notify the Florida Fish and Wildlife … Continue Reading

To pop queen Gwen Stefani for emerging from domestic happy-land with country-music prince Blake Shelton to grace some stages in the American heartland this summer with her necessary presence. Call her punk, pop, ska-pop, rock, or SoCal Harajuku girl, Stefani combines the best female-performer stage … Continue Reading

Hip-Hop Star Young Thug — Prophet of the corruption of the Georgia legal system Hunter Biden — The President both parties can agree on Felony — A misdemeanor dressed up for election dayDementia — Qualification for higher political office Justice — My share of the pieOppression — Your share of the … Continue Reading

39 million — Total number of hunting permits, licenses, and stamps issued in the US in 2021100 — Approximate number of hunting-related fatalities in the US in 202130 — Number of hunting fatalities reported in Texas in 1970 1 — Number of hunting fatalities in Texas in 20230 — Estimated number of … Continue Reading

July 4th is a traditional time to celebrate America’s republican democracy, eat hamburgers and pie, set off fireworks, and take stock of where we are at as a nation. By some measures, we are doing fantastically well — a military hyperpower with global reach powered by the world’s most advanced … Continue Reading

Brat summer — How to go from 0 votes to 91 million votes in three months Permission structure — How they make you think their thoughtsDonald J. Trump — William Jennings Bryan plus the Pillow Guy The Gilded Age — Who says history doesn’t repeat itself? Great Britain — No Constitution or Bill of … Continue Reading

The experience of living in modern times is defined by the pace of change being faster than human beings can process in the moment. While we are looking in one place, the reality that we took for granted a little bit to the left or the right has become unrecognizable. In fact, too many things are … Continue Reading

All Star Game — Bored bajillionaires won’t play defenseUsher — Empties seats at the Super Bowl Dark Brandon — Dead Man WalkingTrump — Human Middle Finger Insurrectionist — Voted for the other guyGlowies — Federal agents pretending to be insurrectionists South of the Border — What border?North of … Continue Reading

A preliminary hearing was scheduled in the case of Omar Alaqqad, a California man accused of stabbing a man in the parking lot of Circus Circus in Las Vegas. Before the attack, Alaqqad was seen taking his shirt off and standing on top of vehicles, pacing around the parking lot, before chasing and … Continue Reading

A bouquet to Chris Cuomo for achieving something like the singularity of political stupidity by interviewing a Hobbit-faced “right-wing influencer” named Jackson Hinkle (rhymes with ‘tinkle’) on his podcast, and then proclaiming him to be both be honest and also not genocidal. Not only does this … Continue Reading

This year I went to spring training in Florida with my son, which is corny. My son is 18 years old, lives on a ranch on the other side of the country and reads Wittgenstein, and comports himself very often like a grown man. At the same time, he’s not above bringing a baseball mitt to games or … Continue Reading

2,972 Number of newspapers that have closed in America since 2005.2.5 Number of local newspapers that close for good every week. 3.5% Percentage of Americans aged 60 or older who never receive Social Security benefits, including some police officers, firefighters and the Amish.6.1% Percentage of … Continue Reading

ImmigrantsThe future of AmericaUndocumented immigrantsThe future of voter fraud in AmericaCosMc’sMcDonald’s cashes in on UFOsLawFor thee, not for meOppressedMeOppressorYouPlagiarismHow I became president of Harvard UniversityNetflixSpending $17 billion a year on content and still nothing to … Continue Reading

The great Polish poet Czesław Miłosz, winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature back when such prizes were awarded for actual literary merit, was the first artist to publicly defect from a Communist bloc country after World War II. By then, the horrors of Nazi death camps and Stalinist gulags were … Continue Reading

The presidents of Harvard, the University of Pennsylvania, and MIT, whose names are — or hopefully by the time of this publication, were — Claudine Gay, Elizabeth Magill, and Sally Kornbluth, respectively, testified before Congress that mobs of masked students and professors calling for the … Continue Reading

To Avi Curtis and Liam Ireland of Waukee, Iowa, who went trick-or-treating last year only to notice a bowl of candy outside one of the houses being stolen by a group of young thieves. Using the candy they had collected for themselves, they refilled the empty bowl and then stood outside the house … Continue Reading

Alabama — Sweet Home Alaburrito – Fried chicken, black-eyed peas, and Velveeta cheese wrapped in a taco topped with a tiny Confederate flag make this Del Taco item a local favorite.Alaska — Grizzly Tacos – Healthy helpings of ground meat explain why Taco Bell workers ring a bell in the kitchen for … Continue Reading

There is no shortage of opinions going around these days. What they mostly have in common is that the people who offer them don’t have the slightest idea of what they are talking about, and at the same time imagine that they themselves will bear zero responsibility for the consequences of their … Continue Reading

The Eras Tour concert film by Taylor Swift brought in $92.8 million in its opening three-day weekend. The film, which captures a live concert by Taylor Swift, who grew up on a Christmas tree farm in Cumru Township, Pennsylvania before moving to Henderson, Tennessee, shook the paper-thin walls of … Continue Reading

Audreya Jacobson was out trick or treating in Sioux City, Iowa with her children for Halloween when she realized that she forgot half of her brain at home. After driving her 2012 Mitsubishi Outlander back home to pick up the other half of her brain, i.e. her phone, the mom of two came back outside … Continue Reading

Year in which genetically engineered (GE) crops were introduced to the US – 1996Percentage of US corn, soybean, and cotton crops now grown from GE seeds – 91%Percentage of world’s commercial seed market owned by Bayer (Monsanto) and Corteva (Dupont) – 40%Percentage of world grain trade controlled … Continue Reading

Middle East Peace – See: Unending war since Bible daysPalestine – A City in Ohio  Anti-Semite – Pulled over after having one too many whiskeys with Mel GibsonGay – The Hard Right  Lesbians – The Harder Right  Immigrants – Legal  Borders – Illegal  Gavin Newsom – New wetware product from CIA lab … Continue Reading

Alabama — Rocky the Cracker-Eatin’ Coon – Statue of rascally-masked critter eating white people CANCELED Alaska — Sockeye the Battlin’ Salmon – Angry mechanical fish gave black eyes to children in downtown Anchorage CANCELED Arizona — Euthanasiaploratorium – Children’s science hall promoting death … Continue Reading

Alabama — Bear BryantAlaska — Bullwinkle the Moose Arizona — Barry Goldwater Arkansas — Bill Clinton California — Snoop Dogg Colorado — Adolph CoorsConnecticut — Thurston Howell III Delaware — Hunter Biden Florida — Franklin Delano RooseveltGeorgia — Jimmy Carter Hawaii — Barack ObamaIdaho — Ernest … Continue Reading